A pity party! Today has been a really hard day for me. Not sure why, maybe its because my sister had her baby yesterday, and when I held my nephew I felt the ache in my own soul, that Noah's not here, and doesn't even know how much I want him home. Maybe it's because this Mother's Day I felt that a piece of my heart is missing, (or in Korea). I just want to have Noah home so I can hold him, and feel his little heart beating against mine and not have to worry so much.
Or maybe it is all the horrible stuff going on in this world right now, and I can't even attempt to protect my son. That horrible earthquake in China was felt all the way to Pakistan and VietNam. There is an outbreak of Bird Flu in Seoul right now, and they think there have been terrorist attacks in India today. I could go on and on.
I understand that I brought this on myself, I mean I didn't HAVE to adopt, I chose it. (Or well we feel that God chose it for us!) But regardless, adoption isn't for sissy's. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to go thru in my life, (and that includes childbirth!) A friend of mine said that I need to think of Noah not being home like being pregnant and it isn't time for him to be born yet BUT the difference is he is here already and in this horrible world. He is not being kept safe like a child in the womb.
Seeing his picture the other day was bittersweet, I am so thankful that we received it. And seeing him in that outfit that we sent him, that I touched, and picked out for him, and knowing he got the pictures of us, and a blankie that I slept with and had my perfume on it is overwhelming. Just knowing that he is touching something that I touched makes me feel a little closer to him. I knew going into this, that this part of the wait would be hard, but knowing it and feeling it are completely different.
Added to all of that and we still don't have our I 600 approval from the US Dept of Citizenship and Immigration. This Friday will be 6 weeks. =( If I don't have it by Memorial Day, then most likely we won't get to travel mid June like I had hoped. We have to have that approval BEFORE Korea can finish it's side of things. That is an added stresser, because although we have found help to cover for me at work while I am gone, I was hoping that it would fall during our vacation days so I wouldn't be gone as long and make it easier on my co-worker. The guilt of being off work vs. taking the time that Noah needs, (and I need) to adjust, bond, and attach is hard also. I know I am blessed that he will get to be with me all the time at work, but it is different than being at home. Ok attachment will have to be another post. At a later date.
Hopefully my next post will bring more positive news.
Ecclesiastes 7:8
The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is
better than pride.
Psalm 37:7-9
Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret
when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret--it leads only to
evil. For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the LORD will
inherit the land.
Psalm 40:1
I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry.
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9 years ago
2 comments:
Hello. Hope you have your little one home soon. We put our name in for 3 special needs children this week so we will see what happens.Waiting to hear back. We have put our name in before for probably 7 kids and they all went to other families. :( So maybe we have a chance this time. I agree when you said adopting is the hardest thing you have done. Same here. Have a good day. John (Someday Father) in Michigan
Oh, it is so so so hard to wait! Every day that passes is another day without our sons...BUT it is also another day that they get to spend in the culture of their birth soaking it all up. As hard as we try, that is something we cannot give them.
And everyday that passes is one day closer to Noah being in your arms. You are closer to him today that you were yesterday!
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