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3 Months home, Noah's Tol, and added thoughts!

Wow, We have been home over three months now! I can't believe it has been that long and yet it's as Noah has always been with us. Words cannot express my love for that little boy who now looks at me and calls me Momma. He truly is the light of my life, my dream come true, my miracle and most importantly..He is my SON!

Carrying Madison inside of me, and feeling her grow, experiencing childbirth, THAT is a miracle in itself, (who by the way she is also the light of my life!) But the miracle that brought Noah into our lives is truly seeing a different side of God's heart and blessings.

I was feeding him his bottle tonight, and singing to him "Jesus loves me, this I know" which I have done every night since we've had him. And I was just looking into his eyes, and something hit me. Most of you know I have had a heart for adoption for YEARS! And more importantly I have always loved ASIAN children. Tonight as I was looking into his eyes, I realized they were the eyes I have ALWAYS seen when I thought about my "future children". I always "assumed" that my child would have dark brown hair, and brown almond shaped eyes. Where I went wrong was I also always assumed it would be a "girl". I think that is why I had a heart, and still do for China! I can even remember saying to someone that I was surprised Madison didn't look like what I thought she would look like. Now don't get me wrong, I think Madison is BEAUTIFUL, and couldn't imagine her looking any other way, BUT tonight as I looked into those beautiful brown almond shaped eyes of my son, I gave thanks to God for bringing him into our lives!

Noah celebrated his 1st birthday, or Tol as they say in Korean, a few weeks ago. That was a very bittersweet day for me. I can not imagine the pain and thoughts that his Birth Mother was feeling that very same day a half a world away, as I was celebrating him being in our lives. I prayed for her to have peace and to feel the love of my (and her) Heavenly Father. I am so thankful that she made an adoption plan for him, and that decision alone must have been excruciating. I could not even begin to imagine the pain that she went through, and yet have the strength not to end his life, like so many women in those situations do. It brings tears to my eyes to just think about it. If she would have, our son would not have been born. It's true some might say "Well, you would have another son" but still it would not have been Noah. And I just can not imagine not seeing his little face light up in the morning, or the arch of his back now when he doesn't get his way. Or hear the pitter patter of his feet as he is walking down the hall.

My love for him is unmeasurable. I am just overcome with emotion. Our bonding process, after a rough start, has started progressing smoothly. It took him about 6 weeks to finally start to trust me. And although the bonding process can take years, we are well on our way I think!

We celebrated Noah's birthday Korean style. We had a family party at our house and I made Korean food, had a Tol table as you can see from the post before this one, and we had a traditional Toljabee event. He wore his hanbok, which is his traditional Korean outfit that his loving foster family gave to him!

Toljabee Event from LifeinKorea.com

In this event, the birthday child goes around the table and picks up items that attract him or her. The child's future is predicted according to the what he or she grabs. After placing the child in front of the table, the child's father becomes the guide for the child to go around the table and grab whatever he or she wants. The first and second items the child grabs are considered the most important. Usually Korean parents place the items that they want the child to choose near to the edge of the table. The child's future is predicted according to the items:

-bow and arrow: the child will become a warrior
-needle and thread: the child will live long
-jujube: the child will have many descendants
-book, pencil, or related items: the child will become a successful scholar
-rice or rice cake: the child will become rich
-ruler, needle, scissors: the child will be talented with his/her hands
-knife: the child will be a good cook

We also threw in a bible: for him to become a preacher and a football: for him to become a professional player =)

Needless to say, he picked the rice cake and the needle and thread. So he will have a long, rich life. At least it sounds promising!

The Korean food was a hit which surprised me since it was family, although Jamie's Dad didn't eat it. We made Bulgogi, rice, a chicken dish, garlic broccoli, Jook, and Kimchi! My grandma even ate the Kimchi and liked it! We had a cake for Noah with a little monkey on it, and we had a big cake for everyone that had an American Flag and a Korean flag that said Happy Birthday Noah! He didn't know what to think of the cake at first but after a few bites he loved it!

His favorite toy was from his uncle Buster and it is a little green 4 wheeler that makes noises! He loves it!

OK well I think I am done for now, if I think of anything I will add it later.

Noah's Tol/First Birthday!

Learning to Trust...

We have been home almost two months, and things have gotten much better. Noah is finally learning to trust me. Since I last posted I returned to work, where thankfully, though hard at times, Noah and Madison are with me. Noah has done remarkable there, and really enjoys being with the other kids.

Almost a month ago he got his first fever,(He has another now and had one two weeks ago-poor guy) and things went from being OK to B.A.D. He would be ok during during the day, even with his fever, and Jamie kept him home (although it was a hard decision-I didn't want to be away from him that long) but at night he was inconsolable. He would cry and cry for "Omma" and "Ahpa" I definitely wasn't who he wanted. After he was fever free, he decided he didn't want to eat from me. At first I thought he was still not feeling well, but then at work my co-worker gave him a small bite of her lunch, and he ate it fine, it was just me. Well, mean mommy that I am (after crying in the car) I wouldn't let her feed him, and after about another day, he decided that I wasn't too bad, and he has done WONDERFUL since then. I believe he realized that I am not leaving him, and sad as it is, that his "Omma" isn't coming back. He really is starting to trust me, and although we still have a long way to go, I am seeing progress everyday. He is even starting to show more affection towards me, and will give me hugs and kisses occassionally! He has even started laying his head on my shoulder and "melting" into me!

It is funny that even as a child trust is something that takes time to learn, and develop.

Our Beautiful Announcement.....

I have been looking at layouts for announcements, and never really found any that were really me, or fit our family. Until I looked at one of my fellow Holt bb'ers blogspot page. She does BEAUTIFUL digiscrapping, (or scrapbooking online) I saw a layout that she created a while back, and asked her if she would be interested in making an adoption announcement for us. She agreed, and out of the kindness of her heart, made the "perfect" announcement for our family. Here is the link to her blog >>> http://mommiakai.blogspot.com/ Her work is amazing you should check it out!

And now for the announcement (name and birthdate was changed to protect privacy) Everyone who knows us...knows our names! We are in the printing stage and then they will be in the mail!

Gains and Losses.....

As my time off is coming to an end, I wanted to make a post about the gains and losses in adoption. Noah is doing ok, we have been home two weeks yesterday, and things are going pretty well. I say pretty well because I can't imagine the thoughts that are going thru his little head. He is starting to get more attached to me. For a while he has been favoring Jamie, and didn't want to have anything to do with me as long as he was around. If he wasn't around, then Noah did fine with me. Now I am starting to get more giggles, kisses, and smiles, so it's coming, just slowly.

When someone is pregnant with a child, the child learns and hears his mother's voice. When Noah was in the womb of his birth mom, I wonder what she said to him. I can't imagine the feelings that she has went thru. I wonder if she told him how much she loved him? Obviously she did, she gave him the greatest gift she could....she gave him life, and although she wasn't able to provide for any child at the time, she must have wanted him to have a life that she couldn't give him. She carried him for 9months inside her womb, he heard her speaking and knew the sound of her voice. when he was born and those few days in the hospital, did she hold him, did he hear his birth mothers voice, or did he never hear it again? Loss number 1.

Then he went off to Eastern (the nursery/orphanage)where he was for 6 weeks. There he heard one voice after another, no one at times able to meet his needs, feed him when he was hungry, change him when he needed to be changed, or just cuddle him when he needed comforted. Don't get me wrong, those workers LOVE those babies, and do all they can for them, but when there are 60 babies and only 4 workers.....I am in childcare I know how it is.....there are times when they just have to wait. Loss number 2.

November 19, 2007, Mrs. C came to Eastern and they placed little Noah in her arms. She cared for him, like he was one of her own children. She LOVED him, she met all of his needs, and made him laugh. He was happy. He was "home". SHE was his mother, and her husband, and children were his family.

Then on June 6, 2008 his "world" was turned upside down, literally. His "home" as he knew it was no longer there, his "omma" was no longer there, all that was there were these 3 people who looked different, talked different, and smelled different, and yet we all seemed so happy, yet he was scared and didn't know what was going on in his life. Would his needs be met, I am sure he wondered in his little head. It was a huge GAIN for all of us, it just is going to take Noah a while to figure it out. To him this was his biggest LOSS of all.

People have asked, and I am sure thought we are crazy for not letting anyone hold him yet,(remember we did have to have 10 hours of training on this) but put yourself in his shoes for a minute.....He has no idea who we are, I think now he is starting to realize that we are going to meet his needs, but in his eyes, so did his "omma" but only for a while. Maybe he thinks we are going to leave him to. I understand he is just a baby, but think of any 9 month old you know, even younger, they know who there mom's are, so imagine that nine month old never seeing them again, and not understanding why?

And if Noah doesn't get held by other people for a while or he gets a little bit spoiled, I think it's ok. Besides after all he's been thru in his 9 months of life, don't you think he deserves it?

I know I tend to worry *alot* and I am sure Noah is adjusting like he should. I was just SO naive in thinking that he would love me from the moment he saw me like I did him. I have loved that child even before I ever saw his picture or even knew his name, that is what adoption is all about. "Adoption is when a child doesn't grow under your heart but IN it."

Adoption is a precious gift. It's just no one can figure out how to explain it to a baby.

I thank God everyday for Noah. He truly was meant to be mine. I am thankful to his birthmom for her ultimate sacrifice, and for his "omma" for taking such fabulous care of Noah until he was able to finally be in my arms. I can't imagine how hard these last 2 weeks have been on her and her family. It truly takes special families to foster children. I thank God for them also.


If anyone would like more information on healty attachment and bonding, here is the link. http://www.a4everfamily.org/index.php


1 Samuel 1:27

I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted what I asked of Him.

A PICTURE SPEAKS A THOUSAND WORDS...